![\"\"](\"https:\/\/www.fagao.me\/images\/uploads\/2017_007.jpg\")
<\/p>\n<\/p>\n
\u201c\u7f51\u7edc\u66b4\u529b\u201d\u5df2\u5c61\u89c1\u4e0d\u9c9c\uff0c\u4f46\u5982\u679c\u65bd\u52a8\u8005\u662f\u4f60\u7684\u5988\u5988\uff0c\u53c8\u8be5\u5982\u4f55\u662f\u597d\uff1f\u5728\u8fd9\u4e2a\u95ee\u9898\u4e0a\uff0c\u5e94\u4ee5\u57f9\u517b\u5065\u5eb7\u7684\u4eb2\u5b50\u5173\u7cfb\u4e3a\u5bfc\u5411\uff0c\u5206\u6e05\u7406\u667a\u4e0e\u60c5\u611f\uff0c\u505a\u51fa\u4e8e\u4e24\u65b9\u90fd\u6709\u5229\u7684\u9009\u62e9\u3002<\/p>\n
\u5f53\u5728\u793e\u4ea4\u5a92\u4f53<\/a>\u4e0a\u8bf4\u4f60\u80d6\u7684\u90a3\u4e2a\u4eba\u662f\u4f60\u5988<\/p>\n \u4f5c\u8005\uff1aCHERYL STRAYED & STEVE ALMOND<\/p>\n \u8bd1\u8005\uff1a\u5510 \u8427<\/p>\n \u6821\u5bf9\uff1a\u5218 \u854a<\/p>\n \u7b56\u5212\uff1a\u5218 \u74a0<\/p>\n When the Body-Shaming Bully on Social Media Is Mom<\/p>\n \u5f53\u5728\u793e\u4ea4\u5a92\u4f53<\/a>\u4e0a\u8bf4\u4f60\u80d6\u7684\u90a3\u4e2a\u4eba\u662f\u4f60\u5988<\/p>\n \u672c\u6587\u9009\u81ea The New York Times | \u53d6\u7ecf\u53f7\u539f\u521b\u7ffb\u8bd1<\/p>\n \u5173\u6ce8 \u53d6\u7ecf\u53f7\uff0c\u56de\u590d\u5173\u952e\u8bcd\u201c\u5916\u520a\u201d<\/p>\n \u83b7\u53d6\u300a\u7ecf\u6d4e\u5b66\u4eba\u300b\u7b49\u539f\u7248\u5916\u520a\u83b7\u5f97\u65b9\u6cd5<\/p>\n The \u201cDear Sugars\u201d podcast is an advice program hosted by Steve Almond and Cheryl Strayed.<\/p>\n \u201c\u4eb2\u7231\u7684\u7cd6\u7cd6\u201d(Dear Sugars)\u64ad\u5ba2\u662f\u53f2\u8482\u592b\u00b7\u963f\u5c14\u8499\u5fb7(Steve Almond)\u548c\u8c22\u4e3d\u5c14\u00b7\u53f2\u7fe0\u5fb7(Cheryl Strayed)\u4e3b\u6301\u7684\u4e00\u6863\u54a8\u8be2\u8282\u76ee\u3002<\/p>\n Dear Sugars,<\/p>\n \u4eb2\u7231\u7684\u7cd6\u7cd6\uff0c<\/p>\n I\u2019m a 37-year-old woman with two children and a fantastic husband. I enjoy my career and have a fruitful social life. I\u2019m also obese, though I do my best to eat healthfully. I have spent a lot of energy on self-acceptance, and mostly I feel good about how I look. The problem is my mother.<\/p>\n \u621137\u5c81\uff0c\u662f\u4e24\u4e2a\u5b69\u5b50\u7684\u5988\u5988\uff0c\u4e08\u592b\u4e5f\u5f88\u4f18\u79c0\u3002\u6211\u559c\u6b22\u81ea\u5df1\u7684\u804c\u4e1a\uff0c\u793e\u4ea4\u6d3b\u52a8\u4e5f\u5f88\u4e30\u5bcc\u3002\u6211\u4e5f\u5f88\u80d6\uff0c\u4f46\u6211\u5c3d\u91cf\u5403\u5f97\u5065\u5eb7\u3002\u6211\u8d39\u4e86\u5f88\u5927\u52b2\u53bb\u63a5\u7eb3\u81ea\u5df1\uff0c\u5927\u591a\u65f6\u5019\u6211\u4e5f\u5bf9\u81ea\u5df1\u7684\u5916\u8868\u611f\u5230\u6ee1\u610f\u3002\u4f46\u95ee\u9898\u662f\u6211\u5988\u5988\u4e0d\u8fd9\u4e48\u8ba4\u4e3a\u3002<\/p>\n She has always been critical of my looks and has never shied away from telling me that I need to lose weight. Recently, she has started posting about my body on Facebook. Whether it\u2019s a negative comment on a photo or a post about weight loss on my wall, the message is clear: Your body is not acceptable. I delete the comments and hide the posts, but that doesn\u2019t make them any less hurtful.<\/p>\n \u5979\u4e00\u76f4\u5bf9\u6211\u7684\u5916\u8868\u9887\u6709\u5fae\u8bcd\uff0c\u4e5f\u4ece\u4e0d\u907f\u8bb3\u5bf9\u6211\u8bf4\uff0c\u6211\u5f97\u51cf\u80a5\u3002\u6700\u8fd1\uff0c\u5979\u5f00\u59cb\u5728\u8138\u4e66\u4e0a\u5bf9\u6211\u7684\u8eab\u6750\u54c1\u5934\u8bba\u8db3\u3002\u65e0\u8bba\u662f\u5bf9\u6211\u7684\u7167\u7247\u53d1\u8868\u8d1f\u9762\u8bc4\u8bba\uff0c\u8fd8\u662f\u5728\u6211\u7684\u6d82\u9e26\u5899\u4e0a\u53d1\u6709\u5173\u51cf\u80a5\u7684\u5e16\u5b50\uff0c\u5979\u4f20\u9012\u7684\u4fe1\u606f\u90fd\u5f88\u660e\u786e\uff1a\u4f60\u7684\u8eab\u6750\u662f\u4e0d\u53ef\u63a5\u53d7\u7684\u3002\u6211\u5220\u6389\u4e86\u90a3\u4e9b\u8bc4\u8bba\uff0c\u4e5f\u9690\u85cf\u4e86\u5979\u7684\u5e16\u5b50\uff0c\u4f46\u8fd9\u4e48\u505a\u5e76\u4e0d\u4f1a\u51cf\u5c11\u5b83\u4eec\u5bf9\u6211\u7684\u4f24\u5bb3\u3002<\/p>\n I\u2019m nervous to talk to her about this because she\u2019ll likely claim she didn\u2019t mean it the way I\u2019m taking it, and I\u2019ll end up apologizing and nothing will change. Her self-esteem is low, she\u2019s an alcoholic, and she has depression. I\u2019ve read that alcoholics tend to be hypercritical of others, but sensitive to feedback of their own behaviors. I\u2019m also sensitive to the fact that her behavior is learned \u2014 her mother is likewise critical. But I want to make sure she understands how uncomfortable it is to have your mom talk about your body critically in general, but especially in a public forum. What advice do you have for me in approaching this?<\/p>\n \u548c\u5979\u8ba8\u8bba\u8fd9\u4ef6\u4e8b\u4f7f\u6211\u7d27\u5f20\uff0c\u56e0\u4e3a\u5979\u5f88\u53ef\u80fd\u4f1a\u8fa9\u89e3\u79f0\uff0c\u5979\u4e0d\u662f\u90a3\u4e2a\u610f\u601d\u3002\u6700\u540e\uff0c\u4e8b\u60c5\u4f1a\u4ee5\u6211\u5411\u5979\u9053\u6b49\u544a\u7ec8\uff0c\u7136\u540e\u4e00\u5207\u7167\u65e7\u3002\u5979\u81ea\u5351\u3001\u9157\u9152\uff0c\u800c\u4e14\u60a3\u6709\u6291\u90c1\u75c7\u3002\u6211\u66fe\u4e86\u89e3\u5230\uff0c\u9157\u9152\u7684\u4eba\u5f80\u5f80\u5bf9\u4ed6\u4eba\u5439\u6bdb\u6c42\u75b5\uff0c\u4f46\u5bf9\u4e8e\u4ed6\u4eba\u5bf9\u81ea\u5df1\u7684\u884c\u4e3a\u63d0\u51fa\u7684\u610f\u89c1\u5341\u5206\u654f\u611f\u3002\u6211\u8fd8\u5f88\u4ecb\u610f\u4e00\u4ef6\u4e8b\uff1a\u5979\u7684\u884c\u4e3a\u662f\u540e\u5929\u4e60\u5f97\u7684\u2014\u2014\u5979\u7684\u5988\u5988\u5c31\u5f88\u7231\u82db\u8d23\u522b\u4eba\u3002\u4f46\u6211\u60f3\u8ba9\u5979\u660e\u767d\uff0c\u7ecf\u5e38\u88ab\u4eb2\u751f\u6bcd\u4eb2\u6279\u8bc4\u8eab\u6750\u5dee\uff0c\u5c24\u5176\u662f\u5728\u516c\u5f00\u8bba\u575b\u4e0a\uff0c\u8fd9\u5b9e\u5728\u4ee4\u4eba\u96be\u582a\u3002\u600e\u4e48\u89e3\u51b3\u8fd9\u4e2a\u95ee\u9898\uff1f\u4f60\u4eec\u6709\u4ec0\u4e48\u5efa\u8bae\u5417\uff1f<\/p>\n Feeling Shamed<\/p>\n \u201c\u611f\u5230\u4e22\u8138\u201d\u5973\u58eb<\/p>\n Cheryl Strayed: I\u2019m sorry your mother does that to you. It\u2019s mean and it\u2019s wrong. You don\u2019t say whether you\u2019ve talked to your mother in the past about her hurtful criticism of your body, but your description of the dynamic you expect tells me previous conversations of this nature have been dysfunctional and ineffective. Take note of that. You aren\u2019t going to get the results you\u2019re hoping for if you go in with the same mind-set as you have previously when addressing such conflicts. You can\u2019t change what your mother says or does, but you can change what you say and do.<\/p>\n \u8c22\u4e3d\u5c14\u00b7\u53f2\u7fe0\u5fb7\uff1a\u5bf9\u4e8e\u4f60\u5988\u5988\u7684\u505a\u6cd5\uff0c\u6211\u5f88\u96be\u8fc7\u3002\u5979\u90a3\u6837\u505a\u5f88\u523b\u8584\uff0c\u662f\u4e0d\u5bf9\u7684\u3002\u4f60\u6ca1\u6709\u63d0\u53ca\u662f\u5426\u66fe\u4e0e\u5979\u6c9f\u901a\u8fc7\u5979\u5bf9\u4f60\u7684\u8eab\u6750\u6279\u8bc4\u5e26\u6765\u7684\u4f24\u5bb3\uff0c\u4f46\u6839\u636e\u4f60\u5bf9\u53ef\u80fd\u51fa\u73b0\u60c5\u51b5\u7684\u63cf\u8ff0\u6765\u63a8\u6d4b\uff0c\u6211\u8ba4\u4e3a\u4e4b\u524d\u7684\u6b64\u7c7b\u5bf9\u8bdd\u5e76\u672a\u8d77\u5230\u4ec0\u4e48\u4f5c\u7528\u3002\u8bf7\u8bb0\u4f4f\u8fd9\u4e00\u70b9\uff0c\u5982\u679c\u4f60\u8fd8\u9677\u5728\u6b64\u524d\u89e3\u51b3\u8fd9\u79cd\u51b2\u7a81\u7684\u601d\u7ef4\u6a21\u5f0f\u4e2d\uff0c\u90a3\u4e48\u5c31\u4e0d\u4f1a\u5f97\u5230\u4f60\u60f3\u8981\u7684\u7ed3\u679c\u3002\u4f60\u65e0\u6cd5\u6539\u53d8\u4f60\u5988\u5988\u7684\u8a00\u884c\uff0c\u4f46\u4f60\u53ef\u4ee5\u6539\u53d8\u4f60\u7684\u3002<\/p>\n You write that you want your mother to understand \u201chow uncomfortable it is\u201d to have her \u201ctalk about your body critically,\u201d but here\u2019s the thing, Feeling Shamed: She already does. She wants to make you feel uncomfortable. That is her very intention. She\u2019s using shame the way shame is used \u2014 as a weapon to compel people to do what they wouldn\u2019t otherwise do or pay a price.<\/p>\n \u4f60\u8bf4\u4f60\u60f3\u8ba9\u5988\u5988\u660e\u767d\uff0c\u88ab\u5979\u201c\u7ecf\u5e38\u6279\u8bc4\u8eab\u6750\u5dee\u2026\u2026\u5b9e\u5728\u4ee4\u4eba\u96be\u582a\uff0c\u201d\u4f46\u201c\u611f\u5230\u4e22\u8138\u201d\u5973\u58eb\uff0c\u4e8b\u5b9e\u662f\uff0c\u5979\u5df2\u7ecf\u8fd9\u4e48\u505a\u4e86\u3002\u5979\u5c31\u662f\u60f3\u8ba9\u4f60\u4e0d\u8212\u670d\u3002\u90a3\u6b63\u662f\u5979\u7684\u672c\u610f\u3002\u5979\u6b63\u662f\u5728\u53d1\u6325\u7f9e\u803b\u7684\u4f5c\u7528\uff0c\u5373\u628a\u5b83\u5f53\u505a\u6b66\u5668\uff0c\u903c\u8feb\u4ed6\u4eba\u505a\u4e0d\u613f\u610f\u505a\u7684\u4e8b\uff0c\u5426\u5219\u5c31\u8981\u4ed8\u51fa\u4ee3\u4ef7\u3002<\/p>\n I encourage you to let go of any notion about changing your mother\u2019s mind. Instead of imploring her to consider your feelings, protect yourself from her by setting and holding a clear boundary. Don\u2019t beg for her compassion. Tell her you will no longer accept her behavior.<\/p>\n \u6211\u5efa\u8bae\u4f60\u653e\u5f03\u4efb\u4f55\u6539\u53d8\u4f60\u5988\u5988\u7684\u60f3\u6cd5\u3002\u4e0d\u8981\u6073\u6c42\u5979\u8003\u8651\u4f60\u7684\u611f\u53d7\uff0c\u800c\u662f\u8981\u4e0e\u5979\u5212\u6e05\u754c\u9650\uff0c\u4fdd\u62a4\u4f60\u81ea\u5df1\u4e0d\u53d7\u4f24\u5bb3\u3002\u4e0d\u8981\u4e5e\u6c42\u5979\u7684\u540c\u60c5\uff0c\u8981\u544a\u8bc9\u5979\uff0c\u4f60\u518d\u4e5f\u4e0d\u4f1a\u63a5\u53d7\u5979\u7684\u884c\u4e3a\u3002<\/p>\n Steve Almond: Amen to all of the above. Your mother is a bully. It sounds like she grew up under the care of a bully and, as often happens, her version of love became infected by a compulsion to shame. Whatever its source, her behavior is emotionally abusive and has been for a long time.<\/p>\n \u53f2\u8482\u592b\u00b7\u963f\u5c14\u8499\u5fb7\uff1a\u4e3a\u4f60\u6240\u8bf4\u7684\u4e00\u5207\u7948\u7977\u3002\u4f60\u5988\u5988\u5c31\u662f\u4e2a\u9738\u51cc\u8005\u3002\u542c\u8d77\u6765\uff0c\u5979\u5728\u4e00\u4f4d\u9738\u51cc\u8005\u7684\u629a\u517b\u4e0b\u957f\u5927\uff0c\u800c\u8fd9\u79cd\u60c5\u51b5\u5f80\u5f80\u5bfc\u81f4\u5979\u7684\u7231\u91cc\u63ba\u6742\u7740\u7f9e\u8fb1\u4ed6\u4eba\u7684\u51b2\u52a8\u3002\u4e0d\u7ba1\u662f\u4ec0\u4e48\u5bfc\u81f4\u4e86\u4f60\u5988\u5988\u8fd9\u822c\u7684\u884c\u4e3a\uff0c\u5979\u7684\u505a\u6cd5\u90fd\u662f\u79cd\u60c5\u611f\u4e0a\u7684\u8650\u5f85\uff0c\u800c\u4e14\u5df2\u7ecf\u6301\u7eed\u4e86\u5f88\u957f\u65f6\u95f4\u3002<\/p>\n This will sound odd, but I suspect the reason you haven\u2019t confronted her more forcefully is because you feel guilty. You of all people recognize how sad and isolated she is, and like all loving children, you wish to remain connected to her, even if the price of that connection is withstanding her abuse. It\u2019s a doomed form of loyalty. Your job now is not to abandon her, but to defend yourself from the parts of her that are broken and destructive.<\/p>\n \u8fd9\u542c\u8d77\u6765\u5f88\u5947\u602a\uff0c\u4f46\u6211\u6000\u7591\uff0c\u4f60\u6ca1\u6709\u4e0e\u5979\u6b63\u9762\u5bf9\u5cd9\u7684\u539f\u56e0\u662f\u4f60\u611f\u5230\u5185\u759a\u3002\u53ea\u6709\u4f60\u77e5\u9053\u5979\u6709\u591a\u60b2\u4f24\u3001\u591a\u5b64\u72ec\uff0c\u4f60\u548c\u6240\u6709\u91cd\u611f\u60c5\u7684\u5b69\u5b50\u4e00\u6837\uff0c\u5e0c\u671b\u4e0e\u5979\u4fdd\u6301\u8054\u7cfb\uff0c\u5373\u4f7f\u90a3\u79cd\u8054\u7cfb\u7684\u4ee3\u4ef7\u662f\u7ee7\u7eed\u5fcd\u53d7\u5979\u7684\u8650\u5f85\u3002\u8fd9\u79cd\u5fe0\u8bda\u6ce8\u5b9a\u6ca1\u4ec0\u4e48\u597d\u4e0b\u573a\u3002\u4f60\u73b0\u5728\u8981\u505a\u7684\u4e0d\u662f\u629b\u5f03\u5979\uff0c\u800c\u662f\u4fdd\u62a4\u4f60\u81ea\u5df1\uff0c\u4e0d\u53d7\u5979\u6d88\u6781\u3001\u5177\u6709\u7834\u574f\u529b\u7684\u90a3\u4e00\u9762\u7684\u4f24\u5bb3\u3002<\/p>\n You\u2019ve done the hard work of finding self-acceptance in other areas of your life. Now it\u2019s time to demand acceptance from your mother. She may not be able to handle this shift in the terms of your engagement, at least initially. But that\u2019s something for her to work out. Which is to say, it\u2019s her decision and not one you can control.<\/p>\n \u4f60\u5df2\u7ecf\u505a\u4e86\u5f88\u591a\u52aa\u529b\uff0c\u5728\u751f\u6d3b\u4e2d\u7684\u5176\u4ed6\u65b9\u9762\u5b9e\u73b0\u4e86\u81ea\u6211\u63a5\u7eb3\u3002\u73b0\u5728\uff0c\u662f\u65f6\u5019\u8981\u6c42\u4f60\u5988\u5988\u4e5f\u63a5\u7eb3\u4f60\u4e86\u3002\u5979\u53ef\u80fd\u6ca1\u529e\u6cd5\u8bbe\u8eab\u5904\u5730\u5730\u9002\u5e94\u8fd9\u79cd\u8f6c\u53d8\uff0c\u81f3\u5c11\u4e00\u5f00\u59cb\u7684\u65f6\u5019\u5f88\u96be\u53bb\u9002\u5e94\u3002\u4f46\u8fd9\u662f\u5979\u8981\u60f3\u529e\u6cd5\u641e\u5b9a\u7684\u4e8b\u3002\u4e5f\u5c31\u662f\u8bf4\uff0c\u90a3\u662f\u5979\u7684\u51b3\u5b9a\uff0c\u4f60\u63a7\u5236\u4e0d\u4e86\u7684\u3002<\/p>\n CS: As a woman who has worked hard for self-acceptance, you already know the importance of shutting out messages that are detrimental to you, whether they be from the culture or individuals. I suggest you use that same approach with your mother. Tell her calmly but firmly that you will block her on social media if she posts any more negative comments about your weight or appearance and then do it if she does. One strike, and she\u2019s out.<\/p>\n \u8c22\u4e3d\u5c14\u00b7\u53f2\u7fe0\u5fb7\uff1a\u4f5c\u4e3a\u4e00\u4e2a\u52aa\u529b\u5b9e\u73b0\u81ea\u6211\u63a5\u7eb3\u7684\u5973\u6027\uff0c\u4f60\u5df2\u7ecf\u660e\u767d\u5c4f\u853d\u6709\u5bb3\u4fe1\u606f\u7684\u91cd\u8981\u6027\uff0c\u4e0d\u7ba1\u90a3\u4e9b\u6d88\u606f\u662f\u6765\u81ea\u6587\u5316\u8fd8\u662f\u6765\u81ea\u4e2a\u4eba\u3002\u6211\u5efa\u8bae\u4f60\u7528\u540c\u6837\u7684\u65b9\u5f0f\u201c\u5bf9\u4ed8\u201d\u4f60\u5988\u5988\u3002\u51b7\u9759\u800c\u575a\u5b9a\u5730\u544a\u8bc9\u5979\uff0c\u5982\u679c\u5979\u518d\u5728\u793e\u4ea4\u5a92\u4f53<\/a>\u4e0a\u5bf9\u4f60\u7684\u8eab\u6750\u3001\u5916\u8868\u53d1\u5e03\u4efb\u4f55\u5f97\u5bf8\u8fdb\u5c3a\u7684\u8d1f\u9762\u8bc4\u8bba\uff0c\u4f60\u5c31\u4f1a\u5c4f\u853d\u5979\uff0c\u8bf4\u5230\u505a\u5230\u3002\u5979\u5c06\u201c\u4e00\u632f\u51fa\u5c40\u201d\u3002<\/p>\n Refusing to allow your mother to have access to you on social media doesn\u2019t mean you have to cut her out of your life. It means you\u2019re closing down a portal through which she has repeatedly chosen to hurt and shame you even after you\u2019ve explicitly asked her not to. Likewise, when she brings up the subject in conversation, tell her you will not discuss your body with her. I suggest you practice ahead of time so you won\u2019t lose your nerve. Write down the sentence you\u2019ll say in response to her criticisms and rehearse it so you\u2019re ready when the time comes.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n![\"\"](\"https:\/\/www.fagao.me\/images\/uploads\/2019_002.jpg\")
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