“网络暴力”已屡见不鲜，但如果施动者是你的妈妈，又该如何是好？在这个问题上，应以培养健康的亲子关系为导向，分清理智与情感，做出于两方都有利的选择。
当在社交媒体上说你胖的那个人是你妈
作者：CHERYL STRAYED & STEVE ALMOND
译者：唐 萧
校对：刘 蕊
策划：刘 璠
When the Body-Shaming Bully on Social Media Is Mom
当在社交媒体上说你胖的那个人是你妈
本文选自 The New York Times | 取经号原创翻译
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The “Dear Sugars” podcast is an advice program hosted by Steve Almond and Cheryl Strayed.
“亲爱的糖糖”(Dear Sugars)播客是史蒂夫·阿尔蒙德(Steve Almond)和谢丽尔·史翠德(Cheryl Strayed)主持的一档咨询节目。
Dear Sugars,
亲爱的糖糖，
I’m a 37-year-old woman with two children and a fantastic husband. I enjoy my career and have a fruitful social life. I’m also obese, though I do my best to eat healthfully. I have spent a lot of energy on self-acceptance, and mostly I feel good about how I look. The problem is my mother.
我37岁，是两个孩子的妈妈，丈夫也很优秀。我喜欢自己的职业，社交活动也很丰富。我也很胖，但我尽量吃得健康。我费了很大劲去接纳自己，大多时候我也对自己的外表感到满意。但问题是我妈妈不这么认为。
She has always been critical of my looks and has never shied away from telling me that I need to lose weight. Recently, she has started posting about my body on Facebook. Whether it’s a negative comment on a photo or a post about weight loss on my wall, the message is clear: Your body is not acceptable. I delete the comments and hide the posts, but that doesn’t make them any less hurtful.
她一直对我的外表颇有微词，也从不避讳对我说，我得减肥。最近，她开始在脸书上对我的身材品头论足。无论是对我的照片发表负面评论，还是在我的涂鸦墙上发有关减肥的帖子，她传递的信息都很明确：你的身材是不可接受的。我删掉了那些评论，也隐藏了她的帖子，但这么做并不会减少它们对我的伤害。
I’m nervous to talk to her about this because she’ll likely claim she didn’t mean it the way I’m taking it, and I’ll end up apologizing and nothing will change. Her self-esteem is low, she’s an alcoholic, and she has depression. I’ve read that alcoholics tend to be hypercritical of others, but sensitive to feedback of their own behaviors. I’m also sensitive to the fact that her behavior is learned — her mother is likewise critical. But I want to make sure she understands how uncomfortable it is to have your mom talk about your body critically in general, but especially in a public forum. What advice do you have for me in approaching this?
和她讨论这件事使我紧张，因为她很可能会辩解称，她不是那个意思。最后，事情会以我向她道歉告终，然后一切照旧。她自卑、酗酒，而且患有抑郁症。我曾了解到，酗酒的人往往对他人吹毛求疵，但对于他人对自己的行为提出的意见十分敏感。我还很介意一件事：她的行为是后天习得的——她的妈妈就很爱苛责别人。但我想让她明白，经常被亲生母亲批评身材差，尤其是在公开论坛上，这实在令人难堪。怎么解决这个问题？你们有什么建议吗？
Feeling Shamed
“感到丢脸”女士
Cheryl Strayed: I’m sorry your mother does that to you. It’s mean and it’s wrong. You don’t say whether you’ve talked to your mother in the past about her hurtful criticism of your body, but your description of the dynamic you expect tells me previous conversations of this nature have been dysfunctional and ineffective. Take note of that. You aren’t going to get the results you’re hoping for if you go in with the same mind-set as you have previously when addressing such conflicts. You can’t change what your mother says or does, but you can change what you say and do.
谢丽尔·史翠德：对于你妈妈的做法，我很难过。她那样做很刻薄，是不对的。你没有提及是否曾与她沟通过她对你的身材批评带来的伤害，但根据你对可能出现情况的描述来推测，我认为之前的此类对话并未起到什么作用。请记住这一点，如果你还陷在此前解决这种冲突的思维模式中，那么就不会得到你想要的结果。你无法改变你妈妈的言行，但你可以改变你的。
You write that you want your mother to understand “how uncomfortable it is” to have her “talk about your body critically,” but here’s the thing, Feeling Shamed: She already does. She wants to make you feel uncomfortable. That is her very intention. She’s using shame the way shame is used — as a weapon to compel people to do what they wouldn’t otherwise do or pay a price.
你说你想让妈妈明白，被她“经常批评身材差……实在令人难堪，”但“感到丢脸”女士，事实是，她已经这么做了。她就是想让你不舒服。那正是她的本意。她正是在发挥羞耻的作用，即把它当做武器，逼迫他人做不愿意做的事，否则就要付出代价。
I encourage you to let go of any notion about changing your mother’s mind. Instead of imploring her to consider your feelings, protect yourself from her by setting and holding a clear boundary. Don’t beg for her compassion. Tell her you will no longer accept her behavior.
我建议你放弃任何改变你妈妈的想法。不要恳求她考虑你的感受，而是要与她划清界限，保护你自己不受伤害。不要乞求她的同情，要告诉她，你再也不会接受她的行为。
Steve Almond: Amen to all of the above. Your mother is a bully. It sounds like she grew up under the care of a bully and, as often happens, her version of love became infected by a compulsion to shame. Whatever its source, her behavior is emotionally abusive and has been for a long time.
史蒂夫·阿尔蒙德：为你所说的一切祈祷。你妈妈就是个霸凌者。听起来，她在一位霸凌者的抚养下长大，而这种情况往往导致她的爱里掺杂着羞辱他人的冲动。不管是什么导致了你妈妈这般的行为，她的做法都是种情感上的虐待，而且已经持续了很长时间。
This will sound odd, but I suspect the reason you haven’t confronted her more forcefully is because you feel guilty. You of all people recognize how sad and isolated she is, and like all loving children, you wish to remain connected to her, even if the price of that connection is withstanding her abuse. It’s a doomed form of loyalty. Your job now is not to abandon her, but to defend yourself from the parts of her that are broken and destructive.
这听起来很奇怪，但我怀疑，你没有与她正面对峙的原因是你感到内疚。只有你知道她有多悲伤、多孤独，你和所有重感情的孩子一样，希望与她保持联系，即使那种联系的代价是继续忍受她的虐待。这种忠诚注定没什么好下场。你现在要做的不是抛弃她，而是保护你自己，不受她消极、具有破坏力的那一面的伤害。
You’ve done the hard work of finding self-acceptance in other areas of your life. Now it’s time to demand acceptance from your mother. She may not be able to handle this shift in the terms of your engagement, at least initially. But that’s something for her to work out. Which is to say, it’s her decision and not one you can control.
你已经做了很多努力，在生活中的其他方面实现了自我接纳。现在，是时候要求你妈妈也接纳你了。她可能没办法设身处地地适应这种转变，至少一开始的时候很难去适应。但这是她要想办法搞定的事。也就是说，那是她的决定，你控制不了的。
CS: As a woman who has worked hard for self-acceptance, you already know the importance of shutting out messages that are detrimental to you, whether they be from the culture or individuals. I suggest you use that same approach with your mother. Tell her calmly but firmly that you will block her on social media if she posts any more negative comments about your weight or appearance and then do it if she does. One strike, and she’s out.
谢丽尔·史翠德：作为一个努力实现自我接纳的女性，你已经明白屏蔽有害信息的重要性，不管那些消息是来自文化还是来自个人。我建议你用同样的方式“对付”你妈妈。冷静而坚定地告诉她，如果她再在社交媒体上对你的身材、外表发布任何得寸进尺的负面评论，你就会屏蔽她，说到做到。她将“一振出局”。
Refusing to allow your mother to have access to you on social media doesn’t mean you have to cut her out of your life. It means you’re closing down a portal through which she has repeatedly chosen to hurt and shame you even after you’ve explicitly asked her not to. Likewise, when she brings up the subject in conversation, tell her you will not discuss your body with her. I suggest you practice ahead of time so you won’t lose your nerve. Write down the sentence you’ll say in response to her criticisms and rehearse it so you’re ready when the time comes.
拒绝让你妈妈和你在社交媒体上有接触并不意味着要把她踢出你的生活。只是说，你关闭了一个入口，而通过这个入口，你的妈妈三番五次地选择伤害你、羞辱你，即使你已经明确要求她不要这么做。同样地，当她跟你谈到这个话题的时候，告诉她，你不会再跟她讨论你的身体。我建议你提前练习一下，这样你就不会失去勇气。把你听到她的批评后想要回应的话写下来，排演一下，这样你到时就能有所准备。
SA: You wouldn’t have written us, Shamed, if you weren’t ready to set this boundary. That’s why you wrote us. But it’s still a big deal. For years, you’ve been protecting your mother by absorbing her criticism and swallowing your real feelings. You’ve allowed her to make your weight the issue, rather than her cruelty.
史蒂夫·阿尔蒙德：如果你还没有做好划清界限的准备，就不会给我们写信了。这就是你为什么给我们写信——你已经做好划清界限的准备了。但这是件大事。多年来，你一直忍受着妈妈的批评、压抑着自己的真实感受，以此来保护你的母亲。你允许她把你的体重当做一个问题来对待，而不是她的残忍。
For all the reasons we’ve enumerated, that has to stop. But here’s a final one to consider, one that may stiffen your resolve: your children. You’ve clearly worked hard to build a happy and meaningful life. Your marriage, career and social life attest to this, and your success in each area sends a positive message to your children.
鉴于我们列出的种种理由，这必须停止。但还有最后一个因素需要考虑，这个因素可能会影响到你的决心：你的孩子。你很努力地想创造幸福、有意义的生活。你的婚姻、职业和社交都证明了这一点，而你在各方面的成功都向孩子传递着正能量。
But the ways in which your mother has been able to chip away at your self-esteem sends quite a different message. The point isn’t that you owe it to your children to stand up to your mother. You owe it to yourself. But in doing so, you’re also sending a powerful message to your children about how to set limits with troubled people — even troubled grandmas — who attempt to inflict their self-hatred on you.
但你的妈妈以如此的方式侵蚀你的自尊心，却给孩子传递着断然相反的信息。反抗你妈妈，不是为了你的孩子。是为了你自己。但通过这样的做法，你也是在给孩子传递一种积极的信息，即如何与使自己感到困扰的人划清界限——就算那人是奶奶。那些人企图将自我憎恨强加给你。
